I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
