I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
