i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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