I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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