pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
