Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
