peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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