I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
