smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
