mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
