My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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