Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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