DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dear god my vagina.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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