Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
