wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
