I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
