I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
did i just pee glitter
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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