I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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