that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK WHALES
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