Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
