Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
