Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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