My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
