My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize