did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
