No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
