I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
