Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
