I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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