the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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