wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The air was thick with penises
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize