Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize