All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
two words: eviction party
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
