I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
