Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
