I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
