Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You're like the curious george of whores
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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