I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am midnight drunk by noon
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
