I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Text me some of your sweat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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