Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
