A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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