OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize