I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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