I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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