That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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