Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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