i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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