I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
