I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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