Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
