what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
