He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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