I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
