I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
