Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
