i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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