your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
