No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
