Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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