Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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