she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
