I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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