yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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