I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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