I love black thongs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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