I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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